As your kids get older…

As your kids get older, they will have obligations that may prevent them from spending their entire scheduled custodial time with you. For instance, my son Max is now old enough to have a job as a life guard. He doesn’t get to pick his hours, he takes what he gets.

So if he’s with me for the weekend, and has to be at work by noon on Sunday, while his brothers don’t have to be home until 6, this means an extra trip to Mom’s. Since I live 30 minutes away now, I would really like it if she would meet me half way. But it isn’t in our agreement, so she says no. What can I do? Nothing. What can you do? Put it in your Parenting Plan in advance– Here’s what I wish my plan had in it.

If the parents are further than 20 minutes from each other and a hand-off is required, both parents shall meet half way.

Parenting Plan – Non Compliance / Penalties

The last provision to note is to specify that if one parent doesn’t comply with any provision in the Parenting Plan, the other parent’s obligations are not affected.

This means that if you are unable to keep a Wednesday visit for example, because of work commitments, your ex cannot withhold weekend residential time as a reprimand or penalty.

In the event that either party breaches any provision of this Parenting Plan, all the remaining provisions of the Parenting Plan remain in effect while the breach is remedied.

Sometimes a parent will let the other parent “get away” with not complying with a provision of the Parenting Plan for one reason or another. It is important to specify that doing so does not lessen the obligation to comply in the future.

Past acceptance by one Parent of a breach of any provision by the other Parent does not lessen the obligation of compliance to that provision in the future. The only way that any provision of this Parenting Plan can be modified is in writing and signed by both parents.

Parenting Plan – Dispute Resolution

Dispute Resolution should be a standard clause in a Parenting Plan. However, there are two provisions you should consider.

The first provision is the following:

Any disputes under this agreement shall go through mediation first. If the court finds that a parent has misused or frustrated the dispute resolution process without good reason, the court shall award attorney’s fees and financial sanctions to the other parent.
Note that this cannot prevent your ex from presenting you with a court summons—nothing can.

 

Note that this cannot prevent your ex from presenting you with a court summons—nothing can.   Anyone can take anyone to court for any reason– but that doesn’t mean that they will win.  So,  if you have this language in your Parenting Plan and your ex has taken you to court anyway, you can say to the Judge that your ex made no attempt to resolve the issue with you through mediation first, as specified in your Parenting Plan, and therefore you request to be awarded reasonable Attorney’s fees for appearing today before the Court, and that the matter be referred to mediation.

The second provision is the following:

In any dispute resolution process, preference shall be given to what is already in the Parenting Plan.

What this language buys you is that if sometime in the future your ex tells you that the wording she had agreed to in the Parenting Plan was not what she intended, you can basically say “too bad…it is what it is”. This cannot prevent your ex from trying to change the Parenting Plan after the fact—nothing can, but this language will make it much less likely that she would be successful.  The other parent would have to show compelling reasons to change the Agreement, such as that there has been a significant (and unanticipated) change in circumstances since the plan was first signed, and that there is demonstrable harm coming to the children because of this unanticipated change or because of an oversight that needs to be corrected, and, finally, that she has attempted to resolve the issue through mediation first. That sets up quite a hurdle.

If you do include this second clause, make absolutely sure that the Parenting Plan you sign addresses every future scenario and contingency you can think of, even if unlikely. This clause will work in both directions—against you trying to make a change—and could come back to bite you.

Parenting Plan – Supportive Language

Your Parenting Plan should have some wording about supporting each other’s right to parent. This is something you should come up with on your own, but be sure to think about these items:

Sample Phrases:

Neither parent shall interfere with the other parent’s parenting of the children, Consistency in adhering to the residential schedule is in the children’s best interest, Both parents have the right and responsibility to ensure the children attend their activities, Both parents have a right to know where their children are at any time Neither parent should talk in a derogatory manner to the children about the other parent, The custodial parent shall promptly inform the other parent of any significant information about the child’s welfare (eg: if you are on the way to the emergency room or the Principal’s Office) Neither parent shall involve the children in communications between the parents, and Neither parent should encourage the children to change their primary residence nor to alter the residential schedule

Parenting Plan – Counseling

There may be times when one or more of your children could benefit from counseling to help them cope with and make sense of life changes. One of my sons was having a hard time with the fact that his Dad had a girlfriend.  I  offered to take him to counseling and made an appointment.  My ex-wife called the counselor’s office and cancelled the appointment. She called me and said, in effect, “you are not going to use a counselor to try and convince your children that it is OK for you to have a girlfriend!”.

Hmmm…. I was divorced at the time and I did have a girlfriend, and in my opinion that was OK. But we didn’t agree on that. I called the counselor’s office to see what I could do and he said his hands were tied. If one of the parents refuses to give consent, he was legally obligated to honor that request and would not see my son in counseling.  Don’t let it happen to you.

The parties agree that either parent may schedule and transport any of the children to family or individual counseling at the sole discretion of the parent initiating the counseling.

Parenting Plan – Misc

Delegation
If a parent is scheduled for a custody weekend but has other plans, what happens? My wife’s ex-husband took her kids one weekend and we learned later that they spent the weekend with grandparents. Not that there is anything wrong with the grandparents, but if you are a parent really trying to get quality time with your children, should you get the right of first refusal?

Notification
If one of your children gets into trouble at school (or anywhere, for that matter) you want to be notified.

Parenting Plan – Communication

There are two types of communication that are important: First, you and your former spouse should be able to communicate important facts about schedule, etc. with each other. Second, you need to be able to communicate with your children on a regular basis.

The parents agree to establish and exchange email addresses for the purpose of ongoing communication about the children. The parents agree to check their email at least twice a week and to respond to the other’s email within 24 hours of reading.

The parents agree that frequent communication between children and parents is important to the well-being of the children, and that they will not impede it in any way. Either parent may communicate the children directly, and privately, either by house phone, mobile phone, email, instant messaging, or any other communication technology. Messages left on the answering machine will be played for the children or passed along promptly.

Parenting Plan – Life Changes

Relocation
Sometimes people move for job or personal reasons. Your Parenting Plan should cover this possibility otherwise the state will decide for you what happens if either you or your former spouse tries to move.

In most cases the whole Parenting Plan would have to be re-negotiated. In some states 60 days notice must be given to the other party if one party intends to move, but your agreement should state a notice period just in case.

If you or the other parent relocates then moves back into the area, your Parenting Plan should state that the initial Parenting Plan is back in effect.

You don’t want to have to hassle over creating a whole new parenting plan again, if the residential situation returns to what it was before.

Unemployment/Change in Circumstances
Unemployment can alter the time you have available to spend with your children… this is not something I imagined. So when I found myself unemployed seven months, while my kids were in day care and I was available, I was wishing I’d thought of that scenario in advance.

Remarriage
If you get remarried, you may suddenly find yourself with two sets of children, and getting the schedule coordinated may take some effort and compromise.

It is important to include language in your Parenting Plan that addresses this possibility, even if you can’t imagine it now….